Facing Pain, Facing Shame

We all face situations where we don’t know what to do.  Family violence is one of those situations.  As a family law attorney I hear over and over how people looked to the church, family, and community for help but could not get it.  I hear how they were too afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.  I hear how they wished for someone to reach out, without passing judgment.

Long before becoming an attorney, I had a friend who died at the hands of her husband.  In hindsight I saw all the signs that I had missed.  It took years to accept that I had failed my friend, her children, and even her husband.  It changed my life.

My friend "Lisa" worked with me.  We shared our problems and our joys.  She confided in me that her husband had a drug problem, and was controling.  She had kids and lived in a nice house.  Her husband was an executive and worked long hours.  She worked long hours to support her family financially since he didn’t.

She never said anything about her husband being abusive.

At times she would be very upset and be ready to take the kids and leave.  Another friend and I helped her hide away money and make a plan.  Being a Christian, I had a hard time encouraging divorce, but did agree she should leave him until he got help.

Occasionally, she had a bruise or injury and a good excuse.  As time went by, she had more frequent injuries and even more creative excuses.

One Monday she did not show up for work and did not call.  That was a first.  The school called when no one picked up the kids.  The police found Lisa at home, dead and battered at the bottom of the stairs with her husband.  He admitted having killed Lisa Sunday night, and said he planned to kill himself too.  After killing Lisa, he decided he could not kill himself, so he took the kids to school, covered her and stayed with her.

Even today my heart aches to think about Lisa and her children, and what they must have suffered.  It hurts my heart to know that the signs were there, and I could have made a difference. I did not want to believe that Lisa was being abused.  As a Christian, I did not want to encourage her to divorce her husband, and did not know what else to do.  So, I ignored the real problem and offered Band-Aids when she needed emotional surgery.  I can’t change the past.  There are millions more Lisa’s dealing with the very real problem of family violence every day.

Looking back, Lisa’s experience was typical for the cycle of emotional and physical abuse.  The cycle of abuse is recurring with the abuser being loving and sorry for a time, then building up tension and frustration until erupting in violence, with each cycle getting shorter and more severe.  The victim wants to believe the abuser.  When things are good, they are very good.  The abuser usually blames the victim for the eruptions and the victim takes at least some of the responsibility for the problem.  If nothing changes, chances are the violence will increase and escalate.

The earlier the problem of abuse is addressed, the greater the impact.  So what can the victim do?

Option one, do nothing, deal with the abuse, and try to "be better" next time.  This is usually the initial option taken.

Option two, leave to a shelter, relative, or friend.  This is often a difficult option because the abuser has isolated the victim from friends and family, has control of the money, and has threatened to hunt down and kill the victim, children, family, or friends.  The victim does not know where to go, is embarrassed and afraid, and does not want to involve others.  In reality, even after a victim leaves, it is hard to stay away, and is rarely permanent the first few times.  The abuser shows love and remorse and the victim hopes for the best.

Option three, call the police or seek other legal help.  This option is good and bad.  Police will, if evidence of abuse is presented, arrest the abuser and  file charges.  Often the victim falls under the spell of the remorseful abuser and refused to cooperate with prosecutors, frustrating the system.  Even without money, the victim can usually go to the district attorney’s office to get a free protective order against the abuser.  While this does afford some protections, it is inadequate.  The police can do nothing if they cannot catch the abuser violating the order.  The order is just a paper and cannot stop the abuser from further injuring the victim.

However, if counseling and change really are in order, the abuser and victim can use the time the protective order is in effect to seek individual therapy.  Also, protective orders are often accompanied with orders for the abuser to attend counseling, anger management, or other helpful programs.  None of the programs will help if the abuser is not really open and ready to embrace change.  Abusers are often manipulative and willing to go through the motions.  The victim should use this time to get counseling and remain separated from the abuser, but may do couples counseling eventually, and only reunite with the abuser after extensive counseling and on approval of the counselor, with agreement to continue counseling.   Reconciliation should only be considered after the abuser has actively participated in counseling for at least a year in a good program that has consequences for violation, support, and an ongoing plan.  Children in the family, even if no abuse was ever directed at them, should also get individual, then family counseling.

Family violence has a huge impact on children.